


The Courtship of Eric Bittle

by UltimateGryffindork



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Also Jack's really dense, Courtship, Crack, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Humor, Jack being ridiculous, Jack's secret diary, M/M, Romance, hockey robot Jack, i'm not really sure what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateGryffindork/pseuds/UltimateGryffindork
Summary: Jack Zimmermann has decided that he's going to court Eric Bittle. After reading a very informative WikiHow article and asking Shitty for advice, he feels like he's prepared.The only problem is, he forgot to tell Bitty about his plan.





	The Courtship of Eric Bittle

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by [this blog post](https://omgcheckplease.wordpress.com/tag/omgcp-extras/page/3/). Nothing belongs to me!
> 
> Honestly, I'm not sure what this is. I haven't proofread it at all, and it's mostly just me word-vomiting and procrastinating from my responsibilities. Hopefully it's entertaining! I've strayed from canon quite a bit, and just had a bit of fun with an utterly clueless Jack.

Dear Diary,

We are many months into the hockey season now, and I think that I have finally worked out how I feel about Eric Bittle. It has taken me a while to come to terms with these feelings, I will admit, but after an eye-opening conversation with Shitty I have realised the extent of my romantic feelings towards him. Bittle, that is. Not Shitty.

Shitty explained that sometimes people (he means me) get annoyed at other people because they can’t work out their feelings, so they decide that it would be easier to get annoyed at the person that they actually do like quite a lot. This makes a lot of sense. The things that annoy me most about Bittle are the way he smiles too much, and the fact that his pies taste too good, and that he cares too much about people.

Conclusion: I have romantic feelings for Eric Bittle. I can’t say I was very surprised.

I have been thinking a lot about how to proceed with these feelings, and after extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that a courtship would be by far the most suitable choice. Bittle is from the South, and I am sure he would appreciate the gesture.

Not to mention that the thought of asking him out on a date makes me feel like I’m about to throw up from nerves.

I have asked for advice from some of my teammates – subtly, of course, so as not to alert them to anything happening – and I have read a very useful wikihow, so I know what I’m doing.

It’s time to court Eric Bittle.

_X_

Dear Diary,

Today I began my courtship with Eric Bittle. Every source that I have consulted has emphasised the importance of spending time with the person that you are courting, and so I have found a solution that not only ensures a few hours of alone time in a suitably public place each week, but has the added benefits of improving Bittle’s hockey skills. Namely, his fear of being checked.

I think that we made some significant progress today. Not only was Bittle much better at being checked by the end of the session, his animosity towards me that he seemed to have at the start of the morning had mostly passed. He did suggest a few times that it was perhaps too early, but I disagree. First thing in the morning is the best time of day, both for hockey and for getting to know one another better. After all, if you can’t spend time with each other at five o’clock in the morning, there is really no point in even trying.

_X_

Dear Diary,

Today I furthered my courting of Bittle. In my research of effective courtship, Ransom mentioned to me that “chicks dig compliments” (his words, not mine) and so I have endeavoured to compliment Bitty at regular intervals. For today’s compliment, I congratulated him on a good pass in our game this evening. Yesterday I complimented the effectiveness of his laundry detergent, as the previous time he wore that particular shirt he spilled cherry pie filling down it. The day before that, I told him that he had combed his hair particularly well, even though there was no visible change. I may have panicked slightly.

_X_

Dear Diary,

For the next step in my courting of Bittle, I realised that I had been very remiss in not yet buying him flowers. Unfortunately Bittle suffers from hayfever, so I thought of a romantic alternative. As Bittle enjoys baking, I have instead bought him flour. It was a rather genius idea, though I say so myself. The gift was very well received, and as thanks Bittle let me have the first slice of the first pie made from his new flour. It tasted delicious, especially as he made his special maple crust. It was so good that I complimented it three times.

I am feeling very optimistic about this courtship.

_X_

Dear Diary,

It has occurred to me that I have missed out a key step in courting Bittle. It is essential to any courtship to ask the father’s permission, of course! How could I forget!

I’m not sure if Bittle has come out to his parents yet, though, so I had to find a more subtle way of seeking their permission. Luckily, Bittle regularly skypes his parents from the kitchen while he is baking. I made sure that I was in the kitchen at the time and Bittle invited me to say hello to his parents. I explained that I was very good friends with Bittle and that I enjoyed spending time with him. His mother said that she was glad that he was making good friends, and his father asked me a few questions about my father which would have annoyed me in any other situation, but it is natural for Mr Bittle to want to know about my family background, especially as he is also a sportsman. Bittle seemed very embarrassed at this whole exchange, which I can only assume is because he was reluctant to discuss our courtship in front of his parents. I understand completely, of course, and I made sure to give him three more compliments before he left the Haus to make up for any embarrassment that I had caused. For whatever reason, though, these seemed to make Bittle blush even more. I can only hope that this is a good sign.

_X_

Dear Diary,

As the summer vacation approaches, I have realised that I need to find a way to keep courting Bittle over the coming months. I was unsure of what to get him, but in our last game of the season he was injured and has a concussion. As he will be unable to do much over the summer as a result, I decided to give him the DVD boxsets of some of my favourite history documentaries. He has always seemed interested when I talk about them while he is baking, and I am sure he will enjoy this opportunity to watch and enjoy them.

Gift giving is, of course, an essential part of courting, and I’m afraid I’ve been rather lax on that front. To make up for this, I made sure to get Bittle’s home address so I could send him gifts throughout the summer. I didn’t tell Bittle, of course, as that would ruin the surprise. As captain I have access to the personal records of everyone on the roster, so I got his address from there. When Holster saw me going through the roster he suggested that I might be seen as “being a total creep, bro,” but I know that Bittle will see the romantic side of it. This way, I can make sure that he has a constant supply of maple syrup, rather than the synthetic kind they sell outside of New England.

I’m not sure if you’re allowed to mail maple syrup across the Canadian-American border. I’m sure they will make an exception for a courting such as this one.

After the summer ends, we will be living together, which would usually be completely unheard of this early on in a courting. However, as we will be living with three other people, I feel that it is acceptable, and Bittle has raised no objections. I can only hope that having to spend so much time together won’t ruin the connection between us.

_X_

Dear Diary,

I am very confused by the recent turn of events.

I am beginning to suspect that Bittle is perhaps not as invested in this courtship as I am. Another explanation is that he may be unfamiliar with the expectations of courting someone – which I find unlikely, as he’s from the south – or that he is simply too polite to say no when someone asks him on a date. Hopefully, it’s the last option.

I had not even been aware that Bittle was going on a date until the porch light flickered on and Shitty, Ransom and Holster ran into the kitchen to watch through the curtains at “Bitty and his hot date”, as described by Shitty. I soon found out that this particularly date had been set up by Ransom, which does feel like a small betrayal. Then again, Bittle and I have not been open about our courting; it is possible that Ransom was unaware of the undeniable chemistry between us.

There was no possible way that I was going to join the others in their undignified display of gawking, but I did listen closely to their commentary. It wasn’t until Holster shouted, “Damn, boy, get some! That’s it, Bitty, use some tongue!” that I realised that intervention was needed.

I ran to the front door, pulling it open and expecting the worst. I’ll admit that the worst scenario I had in my head was that Bittle had moved on, that he had found someone else, but what I saw was much worse. The boy Bittle was with was holding him a little too tightly, and as I opened the door he said, “Come on, Eric, what’s the problem? We can go back to my place instead if you want.”

They both turned to look at me as I opened the door. Bittle looked scared, his beautiful brown eyes pleading with me to defend his honour.

“The gentleman said no,” I said as firmly and as calmly as I could, hoping that Bittle’s date would get the message, but he just rolled his eyes, which made me even angrier.

“Sorry, bro, this is between us,” he said.

I remember shouting, “I am not your bro!”, and I remember seeing the boy lying on the floor, clutching his face which was sporting an impressive black eye. I remember the others coming to see what the commotion was, and Bittle running to stand behind me.

“Leave Eric Bittle alone,” I shouted, and the boy ran off, suitably scared. We all went back inside. Shitty said to me, “Bro, that was a fucking awesome punch,” before the three of them went back to finish watching the game on the TV.

Before he went upstairs, Bittle gave me a big hug and whispered “thank you”. It was nothing, of course, but I just hugged him, because I’m not very good with talking a lot of the time. But I was just doing my job: defending the honour of Eric Bittle.

_X_

Dear Diary,

Following the disaster that was Bittle’s date, I decided that it was time to move to the next step of our courtship. Before we can really commit to a courtship, we have to find out what each other’s hopes and aspirations are to check that we are truly compatible. To find this out, I have devised a questionnaire. Here are a few of the questions that I have thought of so far:

  * What is your dream job?
  * Where would you like to live after graduation?
  * How many children is the optimum number?
  * How many pets is the optimum number?
  * Are cats or dogs the superior animal?
  * Would you feel intimidated by having a partner who was a professional athlete?
  * Now that marriage equality is legal nationwide, which state would you prefer to get married in? (Canada is also an acceptable answer)



There are quite a few more, but I have only written the best ones here. Hopefully, this will help Bittle and I to get to know each other even better.

_X_

Dear Diary,

Bittle seemed to find the questionnaire idea too amusing for my liking, but he agreed to fill it out and discuss the answer. He did seem confused when I didn’t hand them out to everyone, though, as I think he thought it was a team-building exercise.

In a way, it was. For Team Bittlemann. (That was my answer to Question 38: How would you best amalgamate the names ‘Eric Bittle’ and ‘Jack Zimmermann’? Bittle put ‘Zimbits’, which is much better than mine.)

Bittle did seem confused at some of the questions, however, particularly Question 84: Would you be willing to learn French for your future bilingual children? and Question 103: Do you value historical accuracy or dramatic effect more in period dramas?. It was nice to get to know him better, though, and following our discussion I feel much better prepared to continue on with our courtship. We may disagree on some things. For example, his answer to Question 98: What is the ideal wedding song? was something that I’d never heard of, but when he explained rather heatedly that it was one of Beyoncé’s greatest hits his answer made much more sense. If we agreed on everything, however, life would be very dull, and at least we agree on the important things. Question 127, for example, was one I simply could not compromise on, but I was fairly certain before asking that Bittle would agree that fake maple syrup is not worth the bottle it comes in.

All in all, our courtship so far has been a success. I am looking forward to how things progress.

_X_

Dear Diary,

I have never felt so humiliated. I have been blind to what was actually happening. All this time, I thought Bittle and I were falling for each other, but now…

It’s true. I’ve fallen in love with Eric Bittle. But he will never love me back.

It was a stupid mistake. I left my camera on my desk and rang Bittle to ask him to pick it up on his way to practice, but I forgot that I’d left this notebook open on the last page I’d written in.

I have never seen Bittle so upset. After all this time, it turns out that he was unaware of my feelings or of my courting him. Or at least, that’s what I can gather from what Shitty told me. Bittle refused to speak to me or even look at me, running straight back to the Haus after practice and using the shower there instead of having to shower with the rest of us at Faber. He wasn’t playing well at all, partly because he refused to interact with me. He hasn’t baked anything at all in the last twenty-four hours, only leaving his room to go to class and practice. Ransom, Holster and Shitty have all been to see him, and he’s spoken to them, but I know that if I even knock on his door I’ll manage to make it worse. How could I have been so stupid? It had never occurred to me to ask him what his feelings were for me, to explain the depths of my own feelings for him.

I’ve ruined everything.

I rang home, but it didn’t take long for Papa to work out what was wrong. He told me that I should talk to “whoever it was that I was so worked up over”, but I know that Bittle doesn’t want to talk to me, and I can’t face talking to him. It would be too much, to confess to all of my mistakes, to how long this has been going on for.

I just really thought he felt the same way.

_X_

Dear Diary,

Today the most incredible thing happened.

Eric Bittle knocked on my door today; he said he wanted to talk to me about something. Of course I said yes, even though I could feel my hands shaking as he came in, but we sat down together and he talked.

He said that the reason he’d reacted as he did when he found out about my abysmal plan was because he felt the same way about me, but assumed that I didn’t feel the same way, that I was straight and didn’t have romantic feelings for him. He said that it had been a shock, and that he had been upset that I’d never thought to talk to him about my feelings, but that he thought he understood. That he didn’t want there to be any more secrets, and that everything strange I’ve ever said or done suddenly made sense.

Then he kissed me. I won’t kiss and tell – no matter how well I hide this diary, I won’t write anything _too_ sensitive in it for a while – but it was easily the best kiss ever.

So today was a wonderful day.

And I am now officially courting Eric Bittle.

Dating. He says we’re dating.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a comment letting me know what you thought :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr: gracewatsonauthor


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